P G Weirdhouse: Two Parodies

"I say Jeeves, who's that chap, you know dresses like
one of the cards you have to discard before you play
gin rummy with Oofy Prosser."

"I believe you may be referring to The Joker, sir".

"Bit of humourous cove is he, likes limericks and that
sort of thing?"

"Substantially correct sir, though I fancy he regards
himself as a Criminal Mastermind".

Well I may tell you I wasn't impressed. Anyone with
Bertram's history of snaffling umbrellas, police-man's
helmets and Cow Creamers from under the noses, or over
the noses, of Magistrates, Police, and well, more and
better Magistrates, will tell you that Criminal
Mastermindery is for the smooth eggs among us. It
can't be accomplished by dressing up as a clown and
having green hair and a laugh like Carmin Miranda's
understudy after a skinful. I remarked as much to
Jeeves.

"I wish I could share you insoucance sir, but I must
admit to finding it difficult to do so while we are
upside down over this vat of Joker-venom".

From "Bertram Wooster: Dark Knight Detective"
P G Weirdhouse 1938.

***

"This habit of calling one's children after the place,
excuse my blushes Jeeves, where the stork first gets
the remittance slip, is it common in the Americas do
you think?"

"I believe it has a certain vogue in what are termed
the Red Neck states, sir, but I would hesitate to
approve it as a practice for gentlemen."

"Precisely what I said to Henry "No, In Greek" Jones
at old Prof Challenger's bash at the Drones last week.
Had some rummy idea of calling his first born after an
American State. Tuppy, you know how it is, chimed in
with 'Boy'll be an American State, what?' which I
could see was water off a duck's tail feathers to
Henry. Serious cove, all digging up religious icons
and muttering. How he'd ever found time to marry
unless the girl had been wrapped up in a mummy case,
I've never understood".

"Perhaps she shared his interests, sir. I gather that
archeological investigations are no longer regarded as
the prerequisite of the male sex".

"I say Jeeves, not before breakfast". I had no wish to
be reminded, for like the razorsharp intellectual I am
I had seen where Jeeves was leading. My Aunt Hespatia
had rolled into town the day previous bearing a wodge
of Persia stoneware and driving before her not one but
two archeologically minded young fillies from which
she would only be too glad to see Bertram make a
lasting selection for the marriage stakes. Between
Glorinda Sangreal, and Florinda, I drew like a thief
twixt meum and teum, no distinction, perceiving in
both dusty hearty big-boned girls who would doubtless
makie fine help-mates to Henry's offspring, but who
considered as cocktail shakers would have bent the
silvered canister before a chap could say just a
gentle waggle of the old gin and fizz.


From "Bertie Wooster and The Lost Crusade"
P. G. Weirdhouse 1941