An apprentice chimney sweep was tired out after his first day - and although his Master had told him to lug the bags of soot to back to their gaff and be sure not to put them down the sewers - he was very tempted to do just that and get shot of it quickly.
He came to the first grid, which was shallow, and remembered his Master saying that a shallow sewer would be blocked.
He came to a second one which was deeper, but covered by a heavy cover that he couldn't lift. He remembered his Master warning that heavy covers get dropped on foolish peoples' feet.
He came to a third grid, and this was uncovered and deep, and it sloped sheerly down with a high incline which ought - he thought - to make the soot easy to pour down into the sewer. He wracked his brains but he couldn't remember what the Master Sweep had said about set-ups like that.
So he tipped all the soot in, but it flew up in a cloud and it got in his hair and up his nose and in his
mouth, and he found by the time he staggered back to the gaff he was farting out soot with dreadful noises like a trumpet or some other brass instrument.
His Master took one look at him and said: "You forgot my warning about STEEP DRAIN TROMBOSIS didn't you?"
Showing posts with label Bad But Original Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bad But Original Jokes. Show all posts
Friday, February 07, 2020
Friday, October 05, 2012
CrapJokesin5min
A greedy and vain man wished to be immortal, and magically regain his youth.
He contacted a demon, who promised to bestow this gift upon him, if the man could perform one task.
This was to construct through onomatapeia, and poetry a description of the sound of bells that could be conveyed in the 140 characters of a twitter message.
The man saw that this was hard, but believed it could be done. For years he tried, until, old and on his death bed he had to admit to the gloating demon, that he had found it impossible.
'Of course,' the snide demon, insinuatingly confided, 'everyone knows, that no matter how hard you try...
....................................................................................
....You can't tweet chime.
[Joke composed on tube 04/10/12, after overhearing phrase 'You can't cheat time'.]
Simon BJ
He contacted a demon, who promised to bestow this gift upon him, if the man could perform one task.
This was to construct through onomatapeia, and poetry a description of the sound of bells that could be conveyed in the 140 characters of a twitter message.
The man saw that this was hard, but believed it could be done. For years he tried, until, old and on his death bed he had to admit to the gloating demon, that he had found it impossible.
'Of course,' the snide demon, insinuatingly confided, 'everyone knows, that no matter how hard you try...
....................................................................................
....You can't tweet chime.
[Joke composed on tube 04/10/12, after overhearing phrase 'You can't cheat time'.]
Simon BJ
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
Monday, June 02, 2008
Bad Jokes R Us
So an ugly old crone [or old dottard] visits a wise old mystic seeking beauty.
The mystic thinks and then says: 'visit the shepard of the western hills and ask him to loan you the most attractive member of his flock. When you have tended it for a week look in the mirror again.'
But, nothing happens and the crone is sore vexed.
'Hm,' says the mystic. 'Go back to the shepard and ask him where his oldest female sleep lies down to sleep. Take wool it has shed from its coat and rub its natural lanolin on your face'.
That just gives the crone a rash, and she's really cross.
'Very well,' says the Mystic, 'I see the shepard's cures are too weak for you. Go to the ford where the barge man plies his trade taking cattle across the river and tell him I sent you.'
Grumbling at his useless advice the crone nevertheless does as he says.
She's crossing the river in the barge when suddenly a big animal on board it, turns and jabs her with its horns.
Now she's really angry, but as she steps off the barge she sees her reflection which is beautiful. Wishing to understand how this was done she returned to the mystic.
'Well,' he said, 'when beauty sheep failed, and oil of Ewe-lay couldn't help. There was simply nothing for it but a boat ox injection.'
Simon BJ
The mystic thinks and then says: 'visit the shepard of the western hills and ask him to loan you the most attractive member of his flock. When you have tended it for a week look in the mirror again.'
But, nothing happens and the crone is sore vexed.
'Hm,' says the mystic. 'Go back to the shepard and ask him where his oldest female sleep lies down to sleep. Take wool it has shed from its coat and rub its natural lanolin on your face'.
That just gives the crone a rash, and she's really cross.
'Very well,' says the Mystic, 'I see the shepard's cures are too weak for you. Go to the ford where the barge man plies his trade taking cattle across the river and tell him I sent you.'
Grumbling at his useless advice the crone nevertheless does as he says.
She's crossing the river in the barge when suddenly a big animal on board it, turns and jabs her with its horns.
Now she's really angry, but as she steps off the barge she sees her reflection which is beautiful. Wishing to understand how this was done she returned to the mystic.
'Well,' he said, 'when beauty sheep failed, and oil of Ewe-lay couldn't help. There was simply nothing for it but a boat ox injection.'
Simon BJ
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Awful Jokes Made Up By Me #2 and #3
Q Why did Gandalf have to magic up special chickens for his barberque?
A He needed 3 wings for the Elven Kings.
A man goes into a Doctors with concrete lumps stuck to his ankles, hands, back and shoulders. The Doctor says 'don't be so hard on yourself'.
Simon BJ
A He needed 3 wings for the Elven Kings.
A man goes into a Doctors with concrete lumps stuck to his ankles, hands, back and shoulders. The Doctor says 'don't be so hard on yourself'.
Simon BJ
Friday, August 17, 2007
Awful Jokes Made Up By Me #1
A pirate is looking for somewhere to bury his treasure, and he finds a cave on a lone island.
However the cave is guarded by an octopus with a cleaning fetish. Using the feather-dusters left by an early 19th C 'How Clean Is Your Cave Mr Selkirk' docu-novel writer, it mercilessly prods and pokes at the pirate almost forcing him to collapse with giggles.
Nevertheless he fights on, cutlass flashing, until all eight of the octopuses arms, with their attendant feather dusters, lie, severed.
But then just as he thinks he's won, two more feather dusters fly up from nowhere, and deftly make him laugh so much he drops his cutlass. Instantly the octopus - suprisingly fast on its eight stumps - gobbles him up.
How is this possible?
s
p
o
i
l
e
r
s
p
a
c
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Well you see octopuses may have 8 arms, but they have 10 tickles.
Simon BJ
However the cave is guarded by an octopus with a cleaning fetish. Using the feather-dusters left by an early 19th C 'How Clean Is Your Cave Mr Selkirk' docu-novel writer, it mercilessly prods and pokes at the pirate almost forcing him to collapse with giggles.
Nevertheless he fights on, cutlass flashing, until all eight of the octopuses arms, with their attendant feather dusters, lie, severed.
But then just as he thinks he's won, two more feather dusters fly up from nowhere, and deftly make him laugh so much he drops his cutlass. Instantly the octopus - suprisingly fast on its eight stumps - gobbles him up.
How is this possible?
s
p
o
i
l
e
r
s
p
a
c
e
Well you see octopuses may have 8 arms, but they have 10 tickles.
Simon BJ
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