Wednesday, February 10, 2021

The Book of The War - (a rejected entry found on an old disc).

The Skin Of Set  - 

Reputedly Catherine the Great once wrote to Voltare, that he, being merely a philosopher who worked on parchment with ink, had an easier life than her, who had to work “with human skin, which is terribly ticklish and irritable”.  We will return to this notion in a moment.

Reputedly nails and hair grow on after death so that a coffin opened may be filled with razors and filaments. This latter reputation in humankind at least is an over-reaction to shrinkage of the surrounding tissue, which can also give the exhumed domed skulls, and protruding incisors. It is not however the case with every species. There are entities whose biologies are so compartmentalised, so essentially modular, that their hands, their hair, their skin live on after the decease of their majority.  (although in most cases hair being keratin based, a form of nail, will not contain sufficient bio-data to allow the restoration of the organism – a number of cloning mythologies to the contrary).

One such relic, preserved by House Arpexia – and possibly proof in itself of that House’s gradual slide into the totemistic practices of the Redemptionite Cults – is a skin that is proported to be the only remaining living thing found in a defunct time-corridor.  There was during the second wave a fad, or policy, of opening the old time-loops, the encysted worlds and lock-up planets to see if their dangers had become more useful, more biddable and much more tolerable as allies in the face of the war.  The results were on the whole not good, and of all the bits and bobs retrieved most were mad or bad or – in the case of some pods left on an ice world – dangerous to thaw. The skin seemed, at least, the most harmless find of a bad lot.


Friday, January 22, 2021

Coda to my story : Tomorrow ('s world) the (Roland) Rat in 'The Curse of Fanfic' (Obverse Books 2020)

‘You say this device actually recombined two creatures and split them into two other Entities each of which, retained some aspects of the other?  Well, I’m not surprised. The technical term for this lash-up is ‘hodge-podge!’ – the elegant expert technical advisor cracked his knuckles and rubbed his hands with professional eagerness.  ‘Not the first time, except possibly, hmm, well it depends how you look at it.  The same thing happened on Alpha 177, or will do.’

                ‘We called you in hoping there was still something that could be done Doctor…’ Hardy was a tall thin anxious man who had taken over M9 after ‘The Admiral’ had needed to be retired, and his voice trailed off as he realised his briefing had left this mysterious ‘Question-marked’ individual without even a codename.  ‘But that was before both Roland, and DM had expressed perfect satisfaction with their new lives.  Even if the process could be reverted, there is an ethical consideration.’

                ‘If ethics had been a consideration, this thing would never have been built,’ the Doctor said, severely – ‘but I understand it was only a prototype stolen from a more ethical project and subverted by someone I feel a certain responsibility for.  Luckily things are not so impossible as you might imagine.  Are you familiar with the idea of molecular-memory?  It’s postulated by charlatans and homeopaths to peddle water that recalls an infinitesimal fragment of vital medicine, while completely forgetting every other molecule its ever contacted, but like the Loch Ness monster or the Minotaur there’s at least a grain of truth in the myth.  It’s one of the reasons for ghosts, as they discovered at Taskerlands, and a proper, ah, sonic stimulation, can throw the machinery into reverse, so to speak.  We will need to add an appropriate amount of basic chemicals to this end but…’

                The procedure was somewhat hair-raising, but the Doctor was as good as his word.

In a sequence that appeared as if time itself had been turned back upon itself, the raw (sadly too true) material was sequenced and resorted atom by atom, into the matrix retained by the SMALLRAT device.   Spacial Matter and Locally-Limited Relative Anthrophic Tranfiguration,’ the Doctor remarked proudly as a mouse, and a some what frazzled John Drake popped out of the device's input cage.

‘I will take charge of this little fellow,’ the Doctor scooped up the mouse.  ‘A course of vitamins A to Z, and I know an alternate world where he’ll be mighty among his own kind.  I’m afraid I don’t trust humanity with superior animals, they treat each other badly enough.  I hope you will be kind to your Mister Drake.  He’s had a trying time, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he thought twice about carrying on in this line of work.’

Hardy thanked the annoying man, and showed him out, before summoning M9’s own medical staff to take charge of Drake.  It was good to have recovered the agent intact, the necessary paperwork for death by molecular subdivision was not only horrendous, it didn’t even exist yet. Easier by far to retain the original, and list DM and Roland as new anomalous individuals.  And while it was true that Drake had been troublesome of late, and his status was due for review, his resignation - if it came to it - would not be impossible to deal with.  He could always be sent to play chess with the Admiral.                     


Tuesday, October 27, 2020

Draft SCP (Comments should be addressed to SCP sandbox copy)


Item #: SCP-XXXX

Object Class: Euclid Safe.

Special Containment Procedures: A lead lined, double thickness plywood hinged screen in two halves will be maintained, over the surface of SCP-XXXX so as to prevent light reaching its surface. The screen join will be sealed with red-sealing wax and marked with a sigil selected from the Little Albert grimoire[1].  Opening of the seal for experimental purposes will be made with a small silver knife[2], and SCP-XXXX resealed after an experimental cycle.  The same sigil will not be used sequentially. 

Experiments are not to exceed a duration of 1 hr per any single D-subject within any 24 hr period.  Experimental time unsealed is not to exceed 4 hours in total within any 24 hr period.  SCP-XXXX will be kept on a laboratory (or other) table whose surface is raised by blocks so as to present SCP-XXXX at head height to a seated subject.  Room containing table is not required to have specific dimensions/constriction but should be lockable and secure.  Video and audio feeds from the room should run to a lockable lab and no data be exported from there or held on networked equipment. Experimenters must be certified by 04-level or above. No 04 or above personnel will be present at experimentation.

Note: following incident SCP-XXXX-2-2 no experimentation will be carried out when the history of the D-subject is known to involve any performing arts, including amateur dramatics involving performance(s) to non-family members.

Description: SCP-XXXX is a make-up mirror of the kind found in theatre dressing rooms circa 1975, it is wood-mounted and can be tilted to within 0-25 degrees of its vertical position.  Three small electrical lights are mounted in the upper arch of the frame, and a further three each side.  The lights work when the mirror is observed even though no electrical cabling remains.  Attempts to remove the lights have proved impossible and they and the mirror are impervious to damage. The mirror is marked with a small brass plate on the reverse, reading:  Beautifully Reclaimed Items: Repurposed for A Cleaner World. There is no further slogan, logo, marker’s marks, or distinguishing feature.  While seemingly affixed with normal screws, the plate cannot be removed. 

When a subject sits in the chair in front of the mirror and applies theatrical make up[3] for more than 1 minute, the mirror begins to show not them, but a specific actor or actress, also applying make-up but in a different location.  The image becomes clearer over time and within 1-10 minutes, sounds of the location in which the make-up is being applied, including theatrical gossip, and anecdotes will begin to be heard by the subject.

Tests show this experience to be one of two kinds:

SCP-XXXX-1, the sound is objectively present, exterior to the subject and can be recorded by normal equipment. It is hypothesized that this represents a direct feed from the ‘observed’ events of remarks made with the surface of the mirror acting as parallel wormhole conduits permitting one-way light transmission and molecular buffering by sound waves.  Identified cases are set out in experimental logs.  It has been determined that in every case the production shown is one known to the subject, either as a member of the audience or because the production was sufficiently famous as to be generally memorable.  In the case of subjects with no interest in theatre, make-up trailers or rooms from film sets have been accessed by the subject.  Attempts to find a D-subject with no interest/memory in popular culture has proved difficult. A proposal to use selective amnesiacs in order to determine responses in such a case by removing such memories pre-activation of SCP-XXXX is before the Ethics Committee.

For recursive reasons set out below: it is impossible to fully detail SCP-XXXX-2 for experimenters on SCP-XXXX-1.  A portion of the briefing below is therefore sealed.

In instance SCP-XXXX-2, the sound is subjective, ie interior to the D-subject’s psyche, and cannot be heard by others nor recorded by normal equipment[4]. If this experience is not hallucinatory it may resent thoughts/stream of consciousness experience translated from the ‘observed’ actor.  However, while initially benign, or at least merely prurient, consisting of tittle-tattle and catty remarks about rival actors, the state of the production, and the quality of the dressing-rooms, after approx 30 min, there is 33.3% probability that the audio stream will begin to change.  The precise nature of that change is set out below and is not to be accessed unless any qualitative change is observed in the subject’s descriptions, such as the observed material moving to a depiction of a taking part in a rehearsal or an actual performance.


If the subject or any observing experimenter present has any knowledge of SCP-701, the material received by the subject will begin to form an impromptu rehearsal of SCP-701 believed to be that of University production of 1964.  Note this is to date the only identified transmission/reception from the mirror pre-dating circa January 1975.

Should this occur, the D-subject should be removed and terminated, and all experimentation cease for not less than 48 hrs.  As the experience is subjective, trigger points for this cut off will be a) the appearance in voluntary /involuntary vocalisation of any of the following lines/words (Incident Report SCP-701-19██-1), b) any attempt by the subject to write or transcribe their experiences, except in accordance with direct instructions, and any appearance in such transcripts of the lines or words contained in the above documentation.  This interaction with another SCP comprises the reason for the Euclid designation only occurs when observers having knowledge of SCP-701 is/are present either in the room with the subject or in the lab in which data is received.  Ironically knowledge of this precludes experimentation on SCP-XXXX-2, and no way has yet been determined to advise of the danger without directly causing it.  It is presumed that other mimetic SCPs that involve performances which require make-up could be accessed in the same way, but because of the difficulties in interpreting/accessing the subjective experiences of the D-subject, this has not yet been verified.


If SCP-XXXX-1 is prolonged (no safe point has been determined), the subject SCP-XXXX-1 will begin (depending on their sexual orientation, and their knowledge or otherwise of the ‘objects’ gender[5]) to fantasise that they are hearing not the recordable audio which may or may not remain mundane, but instead a profession of love for them, delivered by the actor in question.  Subjects experiencing this will require class-B amnesia treatments and/or psychotherapy to remove feelings of loss, unrequited love, and despair, on being made to relinquish their seat before the mirror.  Subjects experiencing greater than 1hr[6] will become functionally obsessed with a) observing their ‘love’ in the mirror and where this is impossible with ‘attaining’ their ‘loves’’ favour in real life to the exclusion of all other goals.  In the case of D-subjects whose field of action is naturally limited this can be merely an irritant, and is not in itself grounds for termination, but the circumstances of the mirrors retrieval by the Foundation suggests that outside of a controlled environment, matters can rapidly escalate.

Circumstances of Acquisition/History. 

The mirror was acquired by the Foundation after the kidnap of actor Miranda Gallin (stagename Gallowglass) 2018.  While Ms Gallin was recovered intact and unharmed, by police – her kidnapper Peter StCloud (a formerly reputable ex-fireman, and antique dealer) was shot during the siege of his house.  The mirror together with a room filled with Miranda Gallowglass memorabilia and photographs was found in the attic of the kidnapper.  Its anomalous properties were reported to the Foundation by detective Maries Salome who experienced a partial SCP-XXXX-1 while adjusting her lipstick at the crime scene before conducting an onsite tv-interview with New York journalists see Experimental Logs for detail.

The mirror’s history has been traced to the activities of Bethold Abrahams (1955-1989) an occultist and writer of a gossip column for the New York Herald, whose scandalous dissection of the New York theatre set, and the film world ended suddenly in 1989 when he was shot by the husband of Joan Fairbourne whose performance in Thoroughly Modern Millie on Boardway he had interrupted the week before with an unexpected and unlooked for profession of love for the performer during the second act.  Having no heir his possessions were auctioned, and the mirror (who’s provenance before his ownership is uncertain) was purchased by an antiques dealer, Carlos Van Buren, owner of Fitzgerald & Van Buren Antiques – from 1990:  The Julián Soler – Exhibit and Museum.  It is suspected that the change in function may be connected with Carlos experiencing an SCP-XXXX-1 event involving his ‘childhood’ idol the Mexican actor and film maker Julián Soler (1907-1977).  In his published introduction to the Museum, he describes the event that inspired him to dedicate his life to Julián’s memory, as a spiritual epiphany in which he experienced the final film of his idol: Las cinco máscaras y sus maestras. (1975).  This film appears to have no substantive existence with the final known film of Soler as director being: El Jibarito Rafael (1969).  The fire of 1990 which destroyed the museum and lead to Carlo’s own death, also revealed the body of his partner Alphonse Fitzgerald dead from five stab wounds and concealed in the cellar.  Unburned and undamaged in the fire SCP-XXXX was again sold, and acquired by Peter StCloud, who had attended the blaze as a member of the fire-crew dispatched.  It is unclear whether or not other disappearances between 1990 and 2018 may have resulted from usage of SCP-XXXX by Peter StCloud, and the source of the funding that enabled him to move from his manual position as a fireman to a realtively wealthy antiques dealer, is also unexplained. 


SCP-XXXX-1-0   Not a formal experimention.  Account of Detective Maries Salome.  I sat down to adjust my lipstick right? I was damned if I was going to have those make-up powder-puff girls from the news do me over.  The recovery of Miranda Gallin safe was a triumph, the shooting of the perp a potential downside, I was playing out in my head how to deal, and I got distracted so I might have sat in the chair in front of the mirror for a minute or two, you know? Then the room got all weird and chilly[7]and I heard voices and smelt tobacco smoke, and the mirror showed not me but Chris Evans dressed as a police officer. I recognised him from the films easily enough but also because I’d got two tickets for the show he was in ‘Lobby Hero’[8] and I was going to see it with ████ on the weekend coming.   As he was having his make-up done, I distinctly heard him say to the make-up girl doing it “I don’t know how real cops do this stuff, it must be awful to know you’ve got the power of life and death in your hands. Thank Christ I only have to act like I have.”  It was either conclude that I was going mad, or that this was some sort of SCP-shit.[9]

SCP-XXXX-1-1   01-07-2018  (Total duration of effect 35:27)

D-subject 8765 (F, lesbian) was first questioned under iris-dilation technology to identify from self-selected list of film actresses which were most attractive to her.[10]  Having completed questionnaire, and observation of selected images, she was requested to sit in the chair and make herself up.  Encouragement to take as much time as necessary was given.

After 1 min, 27 seconds – the mirror changed to show Jodie Foster being made-up.  Internal exidence and sound recorded identified make-up session as early in shooting of Panic Room (2002).  D-8765 expressed great excitement as ‘Wow she’s great, you know, I really had a crush on her in my teens, that’s such a fine film.’  When Jodie Foster[11] bitched about Nichole Kidman’s misfortune being her gain, D-8765 joined in calling Nichole a wimp for dropping out of the production and praising Foster for her dedication and commiserating with her for the end of her directoral time with Egg Pictures.[12] At 5 min, 38 seconds, the observed Jodie Foster began to respond to D-8765’s remarks confiding that Egg Pictures had been just a really thankless, bad job.  By 35 min, Jodie was encouraging D-8765 to confess her crimes and to make a clean break with her past, and implying that she would exert her influence to persuade the Foundation to let D-8765 return to society.   At this point as a possible security breach was in play[13] the experiment was discontinued.  D-8765 was disturbed for some weeks, and made a number of applications to resume experimentation/’talks with my pumpkin’.

SCP-XXXXXX-1-2   01-07-2018 (Total duration of effect 40:11)

D-subject 8766 (M, [self-identified] hetero) was first questioned under iris-dilation technology to identify from self-selected list of film actresses which were most attractive to him.   Having completed questionnaire, and observation of selected images, he was requested to sit in the chair and make himself up.  Encouragement to take as much time as necessary was given. Subject was resistant to idea of make-up but was advised that the materials were harmless, and that all actors, news-men, and politicians used such products. To which D-8766 replied ‘Damn pansies’.  

After 58 seconds – the mirror changed to show Neil Patrick Harris, being fitted with a long blonde wig and substantial make-up.[14]

D-8766 appeared embarrassed and ill at ease, and would have vacated the make-up chair except for the automatic restraints which were activated at this point.  D-8766 – ‘Hey, just ‘cause I aint got no rights no more because I killed those faggots doesn’t mean I got to watch this crap.  What are youse bastards makin’ out, that I like this stuff – I thought I was going to see some great women doing their stuff.’

For approx 37 minutes the audible dialogue between Neil and the make-up technicians was amiable and general in tone, with Neil being effusive in praise of both the Director and his co-stars. At 37.02 however Neil addressed D-8766 directly: ‘You know I can tell you’re hurting. That’s why you did it you know. You weren’t angry with them not really. You were angry with yourself for what they made you think of, what they made you feel.  No one will ever love you until you realise that.  I can’t love you.  No one will be able to.  So, you saw the show five times, what did you think? I mean you thought I was hot, right? 

At this point D-8766 broke his restraints and inserted the handle end of a make-up brush into his right-eye, causing non-fatal damage to his frontal lobe.  D-8766 was later terminated.

SCP-XXXX-2-1   01-07-2018  (Total duration of effect 55:00)

D-subject 8767 (F, bi) was first questioned under iris-dilation technology to identify from self-selected list of film actor/actresses which were most attractive to her.   Having completed questionnaire, and observation of selected images, she was requested to sit in the chair and make herself up.  Encouragement to take as much time as necessary was given.

After 20 min, no apparent change had come over mirror, but D-8787 was happily making-up and adjusting her image, and laughing softly to herself while doing so.  After 22 min, Experimenter asked D-8767 to explain why she seemed so happy.  Oh, Ellen is just so funny,’ she said, ‘I mean listen to her.’  D-8767 was persuaded to recount what she was hearing. A number of showbiz annecdotes were transcribed which have been sourced to several interviews with Ellen Degeneres.  After 45 min D-subject refused to comment further on her apparent subjective state, but capillary responses suggested happiness and arousal.  Experiment terminated following an apparent orgasm on D-8767’s part.

SCP-XXXX-1-3   01-07-2018  (Total duration of effect 1:24)

D-subject 8768 (M, asexual) was first questioned under iris-dilation technology to identify from self-selected list of film actor/actresses which were most familiar to him.   Having completed the questionnaire, and observation of selected images, he was requested to sit in the chair and make himself up.  Encouragement to take as much time as necessary was given.

After 3 min, 11 seconds during which D-8768, chatted with experimenters about the make-up taking him back to amateur performances[15] the mirror shifted to show a younger version of D-8768 making himself up.  A time check on a radio news bulletin heard in the background identified the mirror image as occurring 3 years and 2 months previously. D-8768’s records to the extent they can now be accessed achronistically show him to have an IQ in the 159-161 range. He seems to have made deductions from the observations and entered at 4 min, 7 seconds into a long set of instructions to the mirror-self.  These related to a number of matters including:

1.       Stocks and shares to invest in between 2015-2018.

2.       A person (X) that the mirror-self was not to interact with under any circumstances.

3.       An explanation of the idea of asexuality and how D-8768 wished he’d known

that earlier before everything got so complicated.

At approximately 15 min into the effect the mirror-D8768 began to make notes on the opposite side of the mirror using eye-brow pencil.  Read backwards these summarised the instructions given by D-8768

At 1.11 the mirror D-8768 began to audibly interact with Subject-D-8768, and among other things promised to reject any overtures of friendship with the person named at 2.[16] Mirror-D-8768 ‘thanked its poor, poor shadow from its horrible future’, for its warnings, and ‘professed sorrow for the pain he had evidently endured.’  It was then noted by Experimenters that D-8768 was becoming transparent, and that the make-up which he had applied was flaking off and falling to the ground around the chair. At 1.24 D-8768 completely vanished.  The experiment was terminated.  An account of the incident was transcribed to acausal records.  At 1.37 a check on records held in ‘normal’ space-time indicated that the experimental cycle had ceased for approximately 2 hrs and that D-8768 had not yet reported due to a minor incident.  On arrival D-8768 proved to be a different D-subject to that referred to in the acausal record.  The trial, incarceration, and acquisition of the former D-8768 appear now to no longer have ever occurred.  Observation of the person designated D-8768-null (that is the person who now did not in fact murder person X) has been requested, but is awaiting budgetry considerations. 

SCP-XXXX-2-2   01-07-2018  (Total duration of effect 39:04)

D-subject 8768(2) (Genderfluid, pan) was first questioned under iris-dilation technology to identify from self-selected list of film actor/actresses which were most familiar to them.   Having completed the questionnaire, and observation of selected images, they were requested to sit in the chair and make themselves up.  Encouragement to take as much time as necessary was given.

No change was observed in the mirror.  After 2 min, 08 seconds, D-8768(2) began to complain of hearing voices, as if there was ‘a crossed line in his head’.  He was re-assured that this was an actual exterior effect understudy and not a psychosis, and requested to record/transcribe the conversation. Internal evidence suggested that he was ‘hearing’ dressing room conversation referring to the Belarus Free Theaters’ production of Burning Doors (2017) which D-8768(2) professed to have seen.  He was effusive about the importance of the production, which dealt with the history of resistance in Eastern Europe.  At around 32min. however, he began to explain that the actor was being made-up into the character of [Data Expunged], who would redress the wrongs visited by the state, but seemed confused as he could not recall such a character in the production of Burning Doors.  At this point experimenter Dr D████ who was aware of SCP-███ ordered the experiment ceased.  D-8768(2) was given B-class amnesiacs to assist in removal of memory of [Data Expunged]







[1] Testing has shown the precise sigil used makes no difference but attempts to substitute symbology from other grimoires results in a 73% melting failure of the wax seal within 0-3 hrs, rising to 95% after 6hrs, and 100% after 24.  The continued use of the same sigil shows a similar effect, but rotation of any 3 seems safe. 

[2] No special form of knife is needed but use of non-silver blades have resulted in [DATA EXPUNGED]

[3] The brand or quality, and indeed the artistry of application appears irrelevant to the effect.

[4] Experiments using telepathy inducing SCPs await authorization.

[5] A heterosexual subject will respond to an actor they believe to be of the opposite gender, a homosexual subject will respond to an actor they believe to be of the same gender. Bi, pan-identifying subjects will respond to any actor. Asexual (ace) subjects will respond to the actor as if they were in a special protégé relationship with them that while non-sexual was nevertheless of intense importance to them.

[6] This effect may occur earlier, but it has never failed to occur experimentally beyond this duration as of present experiments. Experimentation beyond this point is prohibited except at 04 level authorization.

[7] This effect has not been reported by D-subjects, but this maybe because they have not shot someone immediately prior to experimentation.  Requests to test this hypothesis have been denied.

[8] Evans plays a bellicose, corrupt cop, abusing his position to take advantage of his rookie partner Dawn.

[9] Salome had been involved earlier with SCP-████ and had been permitted to retain generalised memories to prompt her to contact us in the event of any unusual events.

[10] Antique gendered term used in experimental testing to facilitate f/m identification.

[11] It must be remembered that it can not be determined that the remarks made by objects in the mirror are undistorted or correct even in the early stages of the effect.

[12] In this initial experiment researchers neglected to attempt to discover the degree of knowledge held by the subject as to film/theatre actors before commencement so it is impossible to say if D-8765 began in possession of this degree of knowledge or whether it was somehow enhanced by SCP-XXXX-1 effects.

[13] Reference to SCP-Foundation was made by object spontaneously, not by D-subject.

[14] Internal evidence suggests broadway production of Headwig and the Angry Inch (2014)

[15] Previous to his trial, incarceration, and move to SCP custody.

[16] This name has vanished from the remaining records, as part of the following events.

Wednesday, September 16, 2020

Jefferson Hairplane


One comb gives you highlights, 
one comb volume too, 
and the pudding bowl haircut, isn't really good for you.  
Go ask Alice for a band, when her hair is tall, 
but if you go seeking dreadlocks then they're not your look at all.

Tell them the Bride of Frankenstein has given you a coiffe, 
and Alice with her hair down will help you get a life.
The bald men in the waiting room will recommend a wig, 
that's made from stuff like horse hair, and is very very big.

And you've had a perm for days and days and your hair is hard as rock,
and the ends are not so much as split as atomised in shock.
When hair mousse, and hair lacquer have tried their best and failed,
and the mohawk is the last you'll have, your duck's arse is de-tailed.
Remember Picard is the bomb, what Sinead O'Conner said.
Shave your head, Shave your head.

You sent
9 minutes ago

Tuesday, April 28, 2020

Book news - Updates

Presently (end 2020) available for purchase from Lulu are the following:


Godzilla in East Anglia - e-book or paperback
Deathwatch at Lake Saguaro  - e-book only, paperback forthcoming
The Lantern and the Lighthouse - paperback only, e-book forthcoming

First Ether Novel Series

Charles Dickens' Martian Notes,  e-book, paperback, or hardback

Wilkie Collins' The Evil Genius of Venus, Book One -
The Wreck of the Lift-Barque John Jerimen,                   e-book or paperback.

Wilkie Collins' The Evil Genius of Venus, Book Two -
The Daemon Doctor                                                        e-book or paperback

The King In Yellow

Thomas de Castigne's cursed play, in French with new english translation.

e-book, paperback, hardback

KIng In Yellow:  Comic Issue #1, Comic Issue #2, Omnibus of 1 &  2.

Online Self-Publishing Book & Ebook Company | Lulu

Saturday, March 07, 2020

The civilised cannibals - or invitation only!

"A feast by invitation only"
Which only the best ghouls attend
It starts with what's called 'minestrone'
But actually, is someone's friend.
For it is quite a ghoulish coup,
To serve a soup that's known to you!

For "taste in friends, is taste in flesh"
At least ghouls say so, and they'd know.
I find the idea makes me nesh,
I'm in two minds if I should go.
But then they serve delightful pottage,
Of fresh-caught tourists from "the cottage".

And mixed into a rustic stew
Vegans and flash-fried vegetarians
So ghouls who take a greener view,
Of beast-killers as mere barbarians,
May avoid nature's cruel plan
And dine on a more ethical man.

And really, have I so few friends
There isn't even one to spare?
A critic (say) for gastric ends,
May well increase the savoir faire!
But oh, a sudden thought has struck me -
I'll need a suit to bib and tuck me!

That's an expense I well could skip
We meagre poets aren't enriched.
If there's a cost to such a trip
The idea may have to be ditched.
What's that? - they say they'll pay my fare
Why that is handsome, I declare!


So thus he mused, and in his book
Recorded the grand invitation.
He should have had a second look,
Read the small print of celebration!
For his best friend was honoured by it,
And 'meagre poet soup'? Just try it!

Saturday, February 15, 2020


The Teeth meet in my throat
I long to feel
Through pain, that transformation I desire,
Let me no longer walk the world a man,
I would be indistinct
Shed human skin
Fall back into the beast-life
Underneath, for being called a beast
For having loved, against the mores
Of my tribe and kith, what else is left?
What pain on two legs lifted to the sky,
That is not better held aloft by four.

I was no man of note
I had to steal
To get my little bread, my meagre fire
It will be easier not to need to plan
To feel instead the instinct
Of wolf kin
For though a weaking runt, in pack the least
The one who lopes to rear, in any fories
I would have love again, not be bereft
The Teeth meet at my throat - I mean to die
And hope to rise again, nearer the floor.

Well, let who will now gloat,
And boast their zeal
Who hounded me with all their human ire.
They would not own me as a living man
They thought me better driven hence, extinct
And now a different life it can begin
In which I fear not them, and howling feast
I slave not any longer, and my chores
Are set by natures' hidden weave and weft
My teeth will meet in those who did deny
That I was worth as much as they or more.


Saturday, February 08, 2020


In the sky, it is making a horrible sound
But if I block my ears and just look down
The Black Sun has not birthed yet evil rays
The day has yet no awful aftermath.

Then again, the ground,
Is heaving with the rising of the town
Of bones, and with the buried murmured lays
The former dead are raised to awful wrath.

And fingers in ears: blocks from all around
The cries of warnings now insistent grown
As nature's self her green cursed fruit displays
To turn me from the left or right-hand path.

Perhaps by sea, oh no that's now icebound
The coming back of aeons once long known,
Half hiding things released as ice-shelf frays
From each a horror's glacial holograph.

And they are everywhere, as hare to hound
Am I to them, they wear the dreadful crown,
One crown on many heads, as the Play says
Many and singular both, defying math.

Unless of course, just in my mind the sound
The bones beneath my feet my fear alone,
The warnings, frozen sea, the dreadful gaze
All just my own subjective epitaph

Friday, February 07, 2020

Joke told today

An apprentice chimney sweep was tired out after his first day - and although his Master had told him to lug the bags of soot to back to their gaff and be sure not to put them down the sewers - he was very tempted to do just that and get shot of it quickly.

He came to the first grid, which was shallow, and remembered his Master saying that a shallow sewer would be blocked.

He came to a second one which was deeper, but covered by a heavy cover that he couldn't lift.  He remembered his Master warning that heavy covers get dropped on foolish peoples' feet.

He came to a third grid, and this was uncovered and deep, and it sloped sheerly down with a high incline which ought - he thought - to make the soot easy to pour down into the sewer.  He wracked his brains but he couldn't remember what the Master Sweep had said about set-ups like that.

So he tipped all the soot in, but it flew up in a cloud and it got in his hair and up his nose and in his
mouth, and he found by the time he staggered back to the gaff he was farting out soot with dreadful noises like a trumpet or some other brass instrument.

His Master took one look at him and said: "You forgot my warning about STEEP DRAIN TROMBOSIS didn't you?"