The Exercist: CSI5M

Verse 1

In the early 21st century I had a bright idea
Ghosts were fading out of sight, and failed to inspire fear.
Phantoms they were flabby, banshees had lost their cries
Because they watched too much TV and took no exercise.

Chorus

You’ll be free-roaming phantasms, you’ll make people get a skate on,
Rise up rise up you skeletons and put some psychic weight on,
Throw off the chains of corpulence you sheeted phantom forms
As for impressing college girls you’ll be clearing out the dorms
And teenagers with funny dogs will hunt you down once more
When you can rise up from out of the couch and float out through the door.

Verse 2

For electromagnetic revenants trapped in a solid structure
Prefer to watch soap operas than obey their PT instructor,
Or if you take a theological line, a spirit’s nothing loath
When it’s already cast out of Heaven to give into to sloath.

So buy our exercise tape and play it in the halls
Of your spooky haunted houses and your rat infested walls
Will soon be filled with new-age spooks agleam with psychic-muscle
Ready to take down a ghost buster in any psychic-tussle.

Get them pumping ectoplasm, they are spectres hear them roar!
Then they’ll repay your efforts by attracting guests galore!
In ghastly ruined castle, grange or old forester’s cot
They’ll be gungho to scare you after “haunting-on-the-spot”.

Our terms are very reasonable, the tapes are five pounds fifty
We like to think our instructress is really rather nifty
She was famous in the movies, she was Frankenstein’s bride
And she was really beautiful, at least until she died.

Chorus reprise

You’ll be re-horsed ye horsemen when your heads fit back in pumpkins,
And the horses they can rear and stamp, not pant like fatty lumpkins,
And ghosts in grey that come to stay and moan and look forlorn
You’ll find that you cause more dismay if sweatpants are not worn,
Throw off the chains of corpulence, re-buff those phantom forms
As for impressing college girls you’ll be clearing out the dorms
And teenagers with funny dogs will hunt you down once more
When you can rise up from out of the couch and float out through the door.


Simon BJ [24th May 2009 post]