Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Shakespeare's Star Wars Act II



OBI-WAN. So many footprints on this beach, imply that many
men in the receiving earth have trod their way weighed down with battle’s gear.

QUI-GON. ‘Tis odd for pirates to invade the land, as fish that seek to stalk the cat for sport. We must to find this island’s courtiers, to warn them and to warn the Chancellor.

OBI-WAN. ‘Tis sad our play for peace has come to naught, and yet, ‘tis true that the peace talks were short.



AMIDALA. Take down this message to those villains bold, who dare the coasts of Naboo to enfold, with ships of piracy to stint our trade.

Lay down your pleasure at your petty triumphs for petty triumphs fade when Caesar comes. I know that you have been envisited by message bearers from the Chancellor proclaiming the unlawful state of war, which falsely and unfairly you pursued, must now be set aside, as boys in play do set aside their sticks and stones when stern, the schoolmaster with greater stick comes hence to chide their nervous buttocks with his switch.

HANDMAIDEN. Is that well said, oh Queen? Though true in all, will it not sow in ready torned fields then seeds of battle fresh to bait them so?

AMIDALA. Mayhap you’re right. Unclench their buttocks then, from our imaginary wands, and let the fact stand for itself, the Chancellor has writ, the goose is cooked.

HANDMAIDEN And now we wait to see them flinch when final message comes.



NUTE. Best to deny all, at this juncture then. The Chancellor’s bold knights are in their grave, their watery grave for never man could swim the Fetid waters of the Naboo Gulf that swells like Tartarus with gorgon’s welps. I will reply that I have never seen, nor heard, of any embassy nor Chancellor, and thus the sally of my men goes forth, while Sidious its legal backing grants.

DOFINE. If they have drowned…

NUTE. I say they drowned as quick as kittens in a sieve in weather fleet.

DOFINE. Let’s hope they’ve not nine lives, as ‘tis said Cats do have or all’s amiss.



HANDMAIDEN The brutes deny what must be true, and claim never to have received the embassy.

AMIDALA This can not be, for I have privy council from the good, and noble offices of Palpatine who holds for us a sinecure at Court within the Chancellor’s own retinue. He writes:-

‘I have the Chancellor’s assurances, and Valorum I’m sure will not prove false, for Valorum’s an honourable man. Whatever to the contrary is said, is tittletale, rumour and foul lies.’

And so you see there can be little doubt.


OBI-WAN. This swamp presents a foul and fetid air.

QUI-GON. We must through it to win our way, but soft
What denizen or native of the earth is this?

JAR JAR. Oh rare and noble meins, these strangers bear
I who through mine own clumsiness and fate, am banished from my people in this hard, dry, place see in them something of my own domaines.

QUI-GON. Hold friend! At large upon this isle are wilful men, armed pirates seeking booty, blood and gold. Are you with them? For we declare at once, our stated enmity to all their works.

JAR JAR. Hey, help me! Help me! For I fear their blades! I who must dwell alone, as any Cain long marked as outcast in the land of Nod.

QUI-GON. Can you guide us unto the lands of men, the folk of Naboos hills and rolling dales, or is the Naboo known unto your folk quite different from that we seek to save?

OBI-WAN. Master that this thing speaks does not denote true Intellect nor yet trustworthyness, for parrots prate and mockingbirds go to, yet never were a man
so lost as he who to mere mimicry and assonance handed the map-strings of his navigation.

QUI-GON. By giving trust we gain it for it grows as bread upon the waters is returned twice fold.

OBI-WAN. Damp bread may bring on agues, but I yield.

JAR JAR. To Otoh Gunga will I take you then. The hidden city of my kith and kin, at risk of my own life from too stern law, yet they can grant the boons that best serve all. It helps us not if surface lands make war.

QUI-GON. To remain here courts but the terrible things : the wounds of war, gainst which judicial fate’s least arguable, where pirate swords will not stay to debate or mend their ways.

JAR JAR. Your point well made I take, take you this erb by virtue magical if makes your breath amienable to sojourn in clear waters deep. I warn you though,
Gungans no like outlanders, don’t expect the warmest welcome as lost prodigals.

OBI-WAN. Don't worry, for this has not been our day for warm welcomes nor for fattened calves.

QUI-GON. My Padawan is right, and not by halves!



JAR JAR. Heyo-dalee, Oh keeper of the walls, who holds the gate there ho!

TARPALS. Oh driven forth by day yet back by night, as Sin expunged doth creep into the heart, you know that punishment so dread doth wait for those who flout the stern decrees of Nass.

JAR JAR. I claim necessity which out ranks death, and even law must curtsey to its claims.

TARPALS. To bigger Bosses than myself this reaches. I’ll not in judgement sit on Jar Jar’s speeches.

JAR JAR. How wude, to thus deny my audience and force us to the endless skiens of law within the Court of Nass our ruler fierce.



BOSS NASS. Yousa cannot bees hair. Fo No Mutta wh’t deemund exturnal al ur laws mus’ stand, an ur laws sah no Strangelings in ur land.

QUI-GON. When the bold men who come on ships lay waste the upper lands they will not stint to find and pillage all below. Or if they can’t by virtue of the walls by nature built, the waters which enfold you like the sky, they will the waters poison with their wastes, and spoil the island with their presence there.

BOSS NASS. Whyssa sho’ we not let yr enemees fall on the Naboo, who are not our friends, and then rise up to drive them forth ourselves, defeating with one strike two foes in one. Wesa no like da Naboo! Dey no like uss. Da tink so smarty, tink day brains so big.

OBI-WAN. As two strong swimmers that do grasp each other to help their art, you are such fast-friends as do grow together though they know it not, for back to back you must your real foes face, and losing one, lose all as battle breaks.

BOSS NASS. Wesa wish no nutten in yousa tings, outlaunder, and wesa no care fo’ da Naboo.

QUI-GON. Then speedily let us bid you adieu, and give us (waves passage.
his hand)

BOSS NASS. Wesa gonna bid adew en passage geeve.

QUI-GON. We need a guide, to waters sub-marine.

BOSS NASS. Wesa give yousa passage in en irun-feesh betwixt the reefs an’ unda mountainees roots. To Naboo thus expedunt yousa go.

QUI-GON. Much courtesy you’ve shown, and thanks we show.



JAR JAR. Iss been enserfed to guide thees irun-feesh as Pilot worms do guide the whales scolarum, between the black rocks of the sea’s pearl bed. Count mesa outta dis mee sed! Better dead here, den deader in da rocks...Yee guds, a foolish sayin’ dat for whil’ a puls beets in de heert, den better leef wif feer den grave so safe.

OBI-WAN. Master, we need no pilot for this craft, tis child’s play to comprehend its ways, why do you drag into our needful task this clumsy fellow.

QUI-GON. I prayed he would be chosen to convey us hence, in asking for a pilot my intent was thus to shield him from his people’s wrath incurred by bringing
us to audience with Nass. He should not suffer for his help to us, for help that brings but burdens soonest fails.

OBI-WAN. Why was he banished, for what crimes of blood, or heinous scheming to o’er throw the state, or other Infamy the which should have us fear the stealthy knive point at our backs in sleep?

JAR JAR. Tis a long tale, buta small part tis, beneath de Lakes no place there is for one, mesa clumsy dere it tis now whut yousa will.

OBI-WAN. I trust your intent Master, less his piloting, who for his clumsiness was packed from home with out a remitance nor hankerchief.

QUI-GON. Then I will pilot, and he navigate.

OBI-WAN. I have a feeling bad, as black as fate.


QUI-GON. The seas and lakes their morals like to eels, impart in aquamarine bright as lazuli. Whatever Fish may mark thus as its prey, the helpless Minnows that in shallows dart, must in its turn to greater form the feast for bigger fishes there must always be, mayhap until the great Leviathan!

No comments: