On Story Titles

THE BENIGHTED BOOKSHELVES OF BERNARD BENISON.

The wallpaper behind the bookshelves showed blank untitled books piled higgledy piggledy.  Some were shown with the edges of the pages towards the room, and some lay on their sides, but most stood upright blank white spines outward.

After the repapering, Bernard had gone around the room for a month with his water colours and pens filling in the spines with the different bindings and the titles of the imaginary books he intended to write in his retirement.  At the end of the final bottom right row in a moment of selfish madness he inscribed the title: THE DEATH AND DAMNATION OF BERNARD BENISON.

That night he dreamt of a red-hot hand, fingers aglow with rings fused into gold from the fires, turning the pages of a book like the old beginnings of Disney films turning sour. Where the fingers touched the book turned black and brittle charcoal.

The next morning in a file on his computer he found the first story of the first of the five thousand books he had drawn upon his walls during that single month.

That story was entitled THE BENIGHTED BOOKSHELVES OF BERNARD BENISON and in its sixth paragraph it listed the names of the first 117 books he planned to dream.

THE RED BIRTH; THE LOST TWIN OF SUMMER; THE WEEPING STONES; THE CAT WHO LOOKED ROUND; THE STEP TOO FAR; CAN STARS SING THE BLUES?; MYSTERY CARS DRIVE BY; THE THING HE DID; TALES OF THE DROWNED CITADEL; KULKULCAN THE GATEKEEPER; GREEN BLAISE DEMONS; STEPPING STONES TO MARS; MRS BRAITHWAITE’S NIGHTMARE; BEHIND YOU IT’S LAUGHING; THE BLINDING; THE RATS IN THE MALLS; THE NOSTALGIA BOMB – AS I REMEMBER IT; THREE CRONES INVESTIGATE; THE ENEMY AND OTHER TORIES; THE PENNYLOPE AND THE CURSE OF MIMAS; THE ASTEROID EFFECT; DOCTOR VELOCIPEDE’S CLOCKWORK REMEDIES; SHIFTING HANDS; THE WALL AROUND THE BRONX; PAINTING THE MOON SILVER; THE BONES OF PRESIDENT TYRANOSAUR; DRINKING SCARLET WINE FROM BLACK GLASS SLIPPERS; SHALLOWMIRE ABBEY; COUNT PRISEMIRE’S CABINET; LANCES AGAINST THE DARK, THE MEALEYWORMS; SALLY PENTACOST AND THE GRAVELLY VOICE; THE INADEQUATES; GREEN STONE, RED STONE, BLUE STONE, BLACK; I’VE EATEN TOO MUCH; THE GLASS CHURCH MURDERS; WHEN THE PEACOCK STRIKES; PARIS AT HIGH NOON; THE PRESIDENT’S VAMPIRE; THE HOUSE THAT MURDERED SLEEP; WHERE THE TIDE FLOWS; MARCHMONT PARADE; THE PIVOTAL MOMENT; COCA AND SULPHER; STALKING SHADOW TIGERS; THE BRAINS OF MARS GO TO MARDI GRAS; THE HELLO SISTERS; STAND ON A GREY LEDGE; MASCOPONY THE CHEESE HORSE; SALLY PENTACOST AND THE TOO THIN TOOTHPICK; GALLOWGLASSES ON THE HIGH SEAS; JACOB KERN, INVESTIGATOR OF THE MORBID; THE BAY TREE POISONINGS; THE LILY-WHITE BOYS GO TO THE SEASIDE; THE TWENTY TWO LETTERS; PANT!; THE SECRET BOOK OF SECRET ANIMALS;  BATHING IN LIGHT; COOKING FOR COELACANTHS;  GRISSKUM; THE THREE POACHERS AND THE GAMEKEEPER;  BILLY MUTANT AND THE TWO HEADED GOAT; TIME TRAVELLERS ANONYMOUS; COUNTING BACK TO BABYLON; HOW I STOLE MY SOUL AND SO CAN YOU!;  PLINTH SITTERS AT DAWN;  THE LOOT OF FACEBEARD; FRACTILE ANN; TORN PENTACLES AND OTHER OBSCENE SPOONERISMS; BILLY MUTANT MEETS SALLY PENTECOST;  BEYOND THE WORDS WE FGSHAAJK;  REVENGE OF THE DEADGUY; THE FASTER PENDULUUM; PURPLE STORMS SET SAIL; MY HANDS HURT AND MY EYES BLEED; OH GOD HELP ME; THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE;  SERGEANT STEGOSAUR’S LOST PATROL;  ACUMANCY POEMS; SPIRALS MADE FROM SHOPPING CART WIRE; A LEGACY OF SEM-PERMIABLE REMEMBRANCES;  THE RED HAND LAUGHING; THE MOLTEN RING; INTO THE INFERNO;  OUT OF THE FRYING PAN; BEST PLANKS FOR WALKING; THE STORY OF A PIRATE AND HER PRIEST; JACOB KERN, MORTICIAN OF THE FABULOUS; ON MY SLEEVE I WORE IT; COCA AND SULPHER HAVE A QUIET NIGHT IN;  ZEXGODS OF THE FLEMISH CLUB SCENE; BILLY MUTANT AND THE FIRE FROM HEAVEN; SPAT FROM HIS MOUTH – APPOSTATES BEMOAN THE APOCALYPSE; TWO GIRLS OF SHALLOWMIRE ABBEY; SAINT CLARIDGES AND THE CATHOLICISM OF CAPITAL; WHO WAS THE SEVENTH MARX BROTHER?  FASTER THAN LIGHT TRAVELLER’S CHEQUES; WINE, SONG, AND STAMP-COLLECTING;  FACEBEARD AND THE BAREFACED LIARS;  KNIFE FIGHTERS OF OLD LUTON;  THE EMPIRE OF BLOOD AND STRAW;  AN OLD TAXIDERMIST REMEMBERS; LITTLE LORD CRABGUTS;  STRICTER TIMES AT SHALLOWMERE ABBEY;  THE LILY-WHITE BOYS AND THE PITCH THAT DEFILES;  HUNTING THE ZUL;  SALLY PENTECOST AND THE SEVENTH COMING; CANOEING DOWN EVEREST; THE MOUNTAIN IN MY GARDEN; THE FLOWERS OF SPICE AND OTHER EDIBLE VEGETABLES;  THE WOMAN WHO WAS SO AGREEABLE IT MADE PEOPLES HEAD EXPLODE; THE MAN WITH THE REMOVABLE STIGMATA AND OTHER REMARKABLE PATIENTS; THE CAT WHO LOOKED SQUARE; THE BLUE-LIT TUNNEL; PASSING OTHER DAYS; IN PRAISE OF SHALLOW LOVERS;    

The titles rolled on, unstoppably, and Bernard Benison cried and drooled…

There is no moral to this story except perhaps: never ask authors where story titles come from, they may tell you.