I pout with disdainful anger at my image in the magic mirror. Balshahagroth curse my fine fly-away elf ears and whispy golden aura of burnish gold. And bring down the flames of Elmorian upon the High Queen S’lalimor for succumbing to the Grey Lotus Plague and – in her twelve month coma – leaving me to cope with this horror. I should be preparing to ascend the ninety five steps of enlightenment that lead to the first of the Hidden Glades, which ritual task I had to accomplish in the next seven day and nights, yet here I am trying to braid my ears to a proper ‘elven’ point, and work the hearing back into my deaf hair.(1) I must not let it tangle or I will never again hear dog whistles.
Uttering a prayer to the High Elven triumvirate of Ahobereth, Rimfondelariel, and Gladragriel, I attempt once more to twirl my luscious locks into a trumpet cone array. I flash my eyes in exasperation and gaze at a pale brown haired girl with blue eyes who looks back at me.
“Get the shoggoth out of the way of my magic mirror,” I snarl, knocking the annoying human to one side – immigrants! – now I could see my fine high cheek bones, my dead white elven skin, my flowing golden hyper-hearing hair and my shining green-grey eyes. My only option is to jam a hearing-aid tiara on and hope no one notices.
Slalimor is my ancestresses, what with immortality and all the exact line of descent is a bit vague, but with her writhing in the tendrilled drug sleep of the Lotus Sickness it fell to me to give the audience to the Dwarf Ambassador, some – no doubt, short - grumpy, dopey, scion of the Seven Princely Families. I should be preparing for the secret scared ceremonies of the First Glade, but instead I have to clench a unicorn firmly between my silky thighs and gallop through High Rilenendell, and past the Hidden House where the Nogles taught the Thief Ulc what games can be played with a red ball, to the very Edge of the Dwarfen lands, where the Things That Glower, Glower across the Road of the Sixteen Titles.
(1) So called elven hair is now known to be a multiple web of insectlike sensory antenna. Elves have three additional senses moderated through this media, but apparently no analogue for the human ‘sense of the ridiculous’.